Tuesday, February 08, 2005

one more candle

cupcake.jpg

One more candle blown out. Well, I'm still sitting here, waiting for my enlightenment, with the always sneaking suspicion that it'll never arrive. Stuck in traffic of all the other imaginary enlightenments... or having a freaking enlightenment party with champagne bubbles of sparkling conversation and snooty laughter and maybe some limbo. Yes, I've hit the 2-3. Fine, I'm still youthfully exuberant fresh-ruddy faced, clapping my mittened hands, and expecting things to batman-sound with a pop whap zoom! in front of splash marks and bright colors! ZPLAT! DIRECTION IN LIFE!!!!! ... easy peasy!

Oh my sillies, I'm just being a big, contemplative, drowning in my own pool of tears whiner. I had a lovely time on the birthday eve (hitting up funnily named places like alligator lounge, zipi zape, the dove) and morn [gorgeous red velvet cupcake from hope & union ] with the bestest of friends and traditional roast beef (mom's new thing. how korean!) dinner with the fam and the cousins galore.

It's a little true, how after 21, the ages aren't stages or levels anymore, like in a video game, where you get like 3,000 more coins or 2 more extra lives or a cool new weapon for your arsenal to kill the evil droids (ok - is it clear that I never had a childhood and have no clue what i'm talking about?).... And past that fuchsia-colored age of 21 (which the younger deem impossibly OLD, the young deem 'let's get crunked!!', and the older deem impossibly young naive and emit waves of bitterness), the ages become markers you whiz by on the highway. Or crawl by. Depending on the traffic. On the highway to. Um. Death. The stages where you get and lose stuff become not dependent on age (no matter what your parents think!!!!!! no despair!!), but on the event themselves. FWOOSH! HUSBAND!! BLAM!!! (and many drugs later) BABY!!!! UNEMPLOYMENT!!!!! DISEASE!!!!!!! MORE DEATH!!!!!

Cheery today aren't we? But finding many of my friends embarking (well-deservedly) onto clearer paths or at least clear bridges between paths, I'm feeling the all-too-familiar 2004-like feeling of being stuck. Another crossroads and nobody to take my hand and guide me across the way (to where?). Watching the old ladies being helped across the street, the blind by their smiling but sturdily responsible seeing-eye dogs, the Enlightenments who drag-race with abandon and glee taking little notice of the human race.

In the boiled-down to end, all you have is yourself anyway, waiting for the bus, the hand to lead you, the ear to listen. All that's left is you, on the bench.

So what do you do?

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