Monday, August 30, 2004

aint no pouncing

(Sketch #Noir3: list of craig, subtitled "It's funny cuz it's true")

No, I don't think 7x7 is an allowable bedroom size. I'd like to live in a room that's bigger than my current bathroom.

I don't want to live with seven cats, even though I applaud your efforts at rescuing them. No, actually I don't applaud you for anything. Let them die.

I love not getting answers back. Because it is just the courteous. thing. to. do. Especially when you give the impression of agreeing to let me have a room.

No, jacuzzi does not start with a "z". I don't want to leave you a "massage".

I don't think anybody wants to live with you for free, Sleazebucket, if you want women to walk around naked for rent. I mean, maybe there are interested parties out there, but clearly, by the 10th time you post the same listing, you'd think you could be killed by a meteor-hint.

I do not want to live in an apartment where I am absolutely not allowed to step into the kitchen. Or have guests. Or drink. Water. That would probably take up too much space anyway.

Yeah, okay... I'm sure you're "cool". Get back to me about that. Wait, on second thought, just think about responding to me. It'll be like the same thing!

Right, I can't afford the places that sound deliciously grass-is-greener and whose posters can spell correctly because money is everything in this world.

No, posting in an ugly-ass large font does not make your place more unique. It just makes it ugly. And making a hallway into a bedroom is not unique either. Or trendy. or cool. or humane.

No, I don't want any drama either. But maybe if everything weren't ugly, even your cats, maybe I'd be nicer, more responsible, fitter, happier, more productive, more lovely sparkling and lemon-fresh. No, limes are the new lemons. Lime-fresh.

It's great you are moving in with your significant other... Give me your room. It's too bad you broke up with your significant other. No, splitting up the "living room" to make another BR doesn't sound like the right answer. There is, on the other hand, that guy who is posting for free apartments if you take off your clothes. Lower East Side. It's hip. Three birds. One stone. You get a boyfriend, free rent, and I get a place.

I'm not European, or vegetarian, or Buddhist, or a cat-rescuer, or a massage therapist, or a gay friendly male.... Dammit I just don't feel special anymore!!!! I'll get back to you when I'm a Bible-fearing Christian. Shit, I fucked that one up didn't I? $666 sounds like a suspicious rent figure to meeeee... I'll get back to you guys on that "Stan. A"...

Metuchen, NJ is a bargain. Maybe I'll go there to spend $800. Metuchen, the new Brooklyn!

Well, it sounds like most of you are never in your apartments anyway. What with all the crazy stuff there is to do around and the jobs and the cats, of course you're hardly ever around but when you are, you do, I'm afraid, have to step in my 8x7 ugly lofted area to get to the kitchen.

You, yes you.... thank you for telling me absolutely nothing about your apartment in the span of some paragraphs. All I know now is that there are some rooms. Some of which are bedrooms. And they are cool. And you are cool. There is a sweeeeeeet zacuzi. And there's a kitchen. But you're not allowed to step into it. Upside is, you do have 999 cable channels, or was that 666? Don't bother to respond -- Remember, just think about it. It's the same thing.

No comments: